Iâ€™m not allowed to have an opinion.
He doesnâ€™t like it when I speak my mind.
He thinkâ€™s Iâ€™m bitching at him.
In truth Iâ€™m not.
Iâ€™m not used to not being able to say the things I want.
I have to think really hard about the things Iâ€™m about to say in order to not offend him
. He getâ€™s offended really easily.
It really is all about him. Heâ€™s changed so much from when I first met him.
I can remember what his hands felt like as he strangled me,
I couldnâ€™t breathe and my eyeâ€™s were going funny.
He was screaming at me that he was going to kill me.
All I could think of was that I didnâ€™t want to die in the bathroom and that my leg was hurting
. I felt like I was going to die,
I didnâ€™t want to.
The left side of my face stung from where he slapped me
, that slap made me lose half a molar.
Heâ€™s kicked, punched, and nearly killed me.
Heâ€™s tried to stab me with anything from a butter knife to a meat cleaver
me trying in vain to protect myself with a half painted canvas..
I shit you not.
I cant leave him.
I wont deny it.
He has problems.
Problems I didnâ€™t know about when I first met him.
Problems I wouldnâ€™t want any part of if I had known about them before hand.
I honestly thought he had crazy eyes..
That was it.
I cant sleep properly.
Not in fear that heâ€™s going to smother me in my sleep.
But in fear of everything.
I hate being alone now
. Heâ€™s made me paranoid.
Paranoid about everything.
I donâ€™t want to live like this,
but I cant get away.
Heâ€™s like an addiction I will never fully kick.
I donâ€™t want to be that girl.
I can remember saying I will never be the girl that gets pushed around and beaten down.
But I am.
He sayâ€™s he cares
He does wonderful things for me.
We have a little girl together.
He does a lot of good things, but heâ€™s evil.
Heâ€™s the devil in disguise.
Itâ€™s horrible when he touches me after heâ€™s hurt me.
Its been this way for a while.
I donâ€™t want him to touch me.
I want to say leave me alone.
He orderâ€™s me to lay next to him.
I often think about running out the front door..
I didnâ€™t have a baby then.
I lay next to him.
He runâ€™s his hand up my leg, over my hips and grabs at my breastâ€™s.
Make up sexâ€¦
with a twist.
Itâ€™s not passionate.
It doesnâ€™t scream Iâ€™m sorry.
Itâ€™s pure fucking.
Hard and fast.
Tears and blood.
My face in a pillow and my ass getting slapped.
He thinkâ€™s heâ€™s punishing me.
According to society though heâ€™s abusing me.
I know it. Iâ€™m not silly.
Iâ€™ve tried to leave him.
It didnâ€™t work. He thought I was going to clean out his bank accountâ€™s and had them all frozen.
We got the new ATM cards in the mail 4 dayâ€™s later.
He told me he would make it hard to leave him.
He meant it.
Iâ€™ve given up trying.
Iâ€™ve lost friends.
Iâ€™ve been upset.
Iâ€™ve been angry to the point where I just scream.
Iâ€™ve been scared and humiliated.
But Iâ€™m still alive.
Heâ€™s an excellent father and an amazing lover.
When thingâ€™s go to his advantage.
Nothing pointâ€™s in my favour.
I have no job. He does.
I have no savings. He does.
I have nothing. He has everything.
Iâ€™ve been told to shut up and take it.
To say yes to everything.
Give in and give him my all.
Iâ€™ve tried. Itâ€™s just not me.
Iâ€™m not submissive enough for his liking.
Heâ€™s told me.
Iâ€™m not supposed to cry.
He likes it when Iâ€™m weak.
He loves it when Iâ€™m powerless.
Iâ€™m nothing. I feel so small.
He can slap me and call me a slut.
I take it.
I do it everyday.
Night comes again.
I lie in bed naked next to him.
He pinches my skin.
Sometimes depending on his mood he runs a blade over my thighs.
He pulls my hair and whispers â€˜Slutâ€™
Thatâ€™s my queue to suck his dick.
I didnâ€™t get down there fast enough.
He slaps me hard.
Grabs my hair and yanks my head down.
He rams his dick down my throat.
Tears run down my face.
I hate it when he does this.
He fuckâ€™s my head.
Slamming his dick further down my throat.
He explodes in my mouth.
I look up at him.
I swallow his load and open my mouth.
He loves it when I prove it.
He knowâ€™s how much I hate swallowing.
I donâ€™t know why I do it.
It makes him happy.
I like it when heâ€™s happy.
It makes me happy.
I close my eyes as he walks away.
I wipe my mouth on the covers of the bed.
He comes back to the bed.
Iâ€™m laying there. Unmoving.
His eyes travel the length of my body.
He has a crazy look in his eyes again.
I know whats coming.
I donâ€™t like it.
He lays beside me.
Kisses me on the lips and rolls over.
I wait until his breathing has evened out.
I know I can sleep now.
He has rules.
I must follow.
I have to be what he wants.
When he wants.
How he wants.
I close my eyes.
Tomorrow might be different.
I hope it wont start like today.
I drift off to sleep.
I know I will wake up to him touching me.
Weâ€™ll fuck again.
Like we do everyday.
There might be a different story to tell tomorrow night.